Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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