I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
