mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
