I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
