come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
