I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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