I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
