she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
