Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize