What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
