do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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