i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
A bitchslap is in order.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
