if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
