here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just found puke in my bra..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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