Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
