he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
