dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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