After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
