I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
