I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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