I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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