Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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