i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize