I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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