stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
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