my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
