I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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