I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
