I faked an abortion last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
