I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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