dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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