went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
