Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
