oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
