dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
