I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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