you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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