i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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