I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
then he tried to convert me to islam
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
