The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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