Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
