How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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