apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
