There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
