Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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