I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
