bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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