Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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