You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
