Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
