Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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