That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
