RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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