hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
