Me. At least after what I've been through.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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