Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
