he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
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One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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